I would say that I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, but since there's a lot of metal and, you know, a wall on the other side, there might not have been a right side on which to wake. I feel like some shattered thing, and someone's shaken all my little shards so that the edges scratch each other and they'll never fit together again quite the same.
Try reading that with a smile. (Honestly, it's not nearly as bad--or freaking emo--as that sounds. I've been reading too much poetry again, and it's showing. No more Baudelaire in the mornings, I swear...)
And knowing--or at least, having a darn good guess--the problem isn't helping, because the problem is one of those things you kind of can't help.
See, I've had a lot of changes going on lately. Some of them are for the better, and that helps, but only so much. I just don't deal well with change. At all. As in, I ran out of my favorite tea yesterday, forgot about it, and was stressed all through class about not having it. As in, I don't like people coming in my room because they might move something. As in, I left my day planner in my other purse last week and panicked, not because I might forget the homework assignment (I am that nerd, yes), but just because it wasn't where I thought it was, and that was just plain wrong.
For the record, it isn't OCD. Not quite. I've asked.
Yes, I know that humans, in general, react poorly to changes in their environment. I know that it's entirely normal for change to cause stress. Normally, I can deal with it fairly well: I meditate (almost) every day, spend time outside, eat fairly well, allow quiet time for my introverted self, and get a regular amount of sleep. Lately though, two and a half of those have flown out the window because of what-all is going on. Which makes me feel worse and stress more. And creates a cyclical problem. (Not a circular problem, though. I suck at drawing circles.)
And so it becomes time for drastic measures, involving two days off of work, a reappearance of the structured sleep-schedule, several dozen bottles of good red wine , and seeing a few of the people who are good for me. And cold-turkey quitting with the ODing on rom-coms and flowery, romantic fanfics. (Seriously this time. I mean it. For the month, at least.) I will make myself breathe deeply the next time I find myself getting worked up. I will remind myself that not everything is my responsibility, nor is it my fault. I will refrain from verbally bashing my coworkers. I will refrain from verbally bashing the idiot driver in front of me. I will (try to) refrain from verbally bashing my boss. The human mind and body are capable of recovering from some amazing things. Not everything is a big deal. I don't have to save the world.
I just have to remind myself of this.