So I have(/had? You'll see.) this friend, right? We call him Turtle. He's a pretty great guy. Sweet and funny and creative--generally well-likeable. We 'dated' for a few weeks in high school, but he reminded me too much of my little brother to keep it up for long. (I told him this, and after meeting my brother, he totally agreed.) We've been slightly-awkward-but-still-good friends ever since.
Until about five months ago. I was going through a rough patch with the guy I'd been seeing. Turtle had always been receptive to my 'guy issues' before, partly because I so rarely get to see him (Turtle) and partly because there's not usually a whole lot going on on that front. And partly because Turtle's a theatre-guy, so he's used to all the drama.
So we were walking back to my car from a nearby Starbucks. (Yes, I know that makes me a corporate sell-out. But they have good chai. Bite me.) And we're--well, I'm--just talking about nothing too particular, and then he just leans over and kisses me. Mouth, not cheek, and no tongue attempted. At the time, I was too surprised to do anything. He said goodnight, turned around, and headed for his own car; I got in mine and started driving home. What else was I supposed to do? I wasn't entirely sure it had even happened.
We met up again the following week, same place. (Do you know how hard it is to find good chai in this part of the country? Not even Twining's does good chai, as much love as I have for their product. It's insane!) Same scenario: we talk, we get to my car, he kisses me, I don't react, we part ways. Although this time, on my way home, he calls me. He says he was sorry, that he didn't know what came over him, and that it doesn't have to mean anything.
That is exactly what he said, "it doesn't have to mean anything." But I know that he wants it to. Even though I was (albeit technically, since I had already decided to ditch the guy but hadn't actually done so yet) seeing someone, even though he knew how I thought of him, even though he knows I don't particularly believe in second chances in that context. I suppose I'd known for a while that he wanted more than a platonic, "let's be friends" situation from me. But I never expected him to try and act on that, especially not when what I really needed was a good friend. I thought he had a little more... control? respect? adroit-ness? than that.
Like I said, this was all five months ago. I haven't talked to him since then, and he hasn't called me either. The reason I'm dwelling on this now is that he messaged me via social media last night, saying that he was in a bad spot emotionally, and that, even though I was mad at him still, could I please call him and talk. This is not unusual at all; I'd get calls like this from him every so often for something not such a big deal, and we'd talk things out, and he'd be okay. But I've also never been this... upset by him before. (I hesitate to say 'angry.' I don't think I was ever angry at him for this, it was more like hurt/confused/aggravated/alarmed/guilty I think.)
So part of me wants to see what's up with an old friend, but I still feel the need to keep him at arm's length. Can I do that? Can I distance myself enough so that he doesn't have a chance to bungle things that badly again? Or should I be willing to fall into the intimacy we used to share, at the risk of taking the same blow to the chest?
What say ye, faithful readers?
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